5 Tips for Getting through the First Year of Grief

The first year of grief after a loss can be the hardest.

While the ache of grief never really goes away, I’ve found the pain does lessen. The fog does clear with time. During the first year of grief, you are finding your “new normal” and learning your own strength in the process.

My mother has been dead for nine and a half years, my stepmother has been dead for eight years, my maternal grandfather has been dead for six and a half years, and my maternal grandmother has been dead for two and a half years. At this point in my life, you might consider me a survivor of chronic loss.

5 Tips for Getting Through the First Year of Grief

Below are five tips I’ve learned to help survive the first year of grief.

Learn to say “no.”

When you’re a Type A, go-getter like me, you try to stay busy and constantly keep things running smoothly. It can be very difficult to turn down commitments and create breathing room in your schedule. When you’re grieving, though, you must learn to set boundaries. Otherwise, the exhaustion can eventually destroy your heart, mind, and body.

Find your people.

You may quickly discover that grief can be isolating. You may lose relationships with friends who simply cannot relate to your situation. Make an effort to find others who have experienced loss and “get it.”

If you lack friends who understand, consider joining a support group through a nonprofit like GriefShare.

Use paper plates.

A few days after my mom died, a friend showed up at my front door with a huge laundry basket. It was filled with food, gift cards, paper plates, cups and napkins from our Mothers of Preschoolers (MOPS) steering team.

I had no idea how much I needed the items in that basket until a few days later, after the busyness of planning and attending the funeral services was over and the dust settled on my mother’s absence.

I found myself physically and emotionally spent, with little energy or appetite. Cooking and cleaning were simply no longer on the priority list.

Paper plates ultimately became the best gift in that huge basket. They gave me permission to give myself grace and skip doing dishes for a few weeks.

Make time for rest.

While self-care might seem like a luxury, I found it becomes absolutely vital when you’re grieving. (Check out this list of common grief symptoms if you don’t believe me. I had no idea why I felt sick all the time, until someone pointed out the physical effects of grief to me.)

Create a regular time slot in your weekly calendar for whatever you need, whether it’s grief counseling, yoga, prayer, meditation, massage, or even a pedicure. The more frequently you make time to quiet your mind, the better you can sleep, too.

Do something good.

I’ve experienced the greatest healing in my grief by channeling my pain into helping others.

Doing good in memory of my mother, Dixie, continues to help soothe my broken heart. Sharing our story of strength and love through my blog and books for grieving families keeps her legacy alive.

Find a way to connect with and serve others who’ve experienced a similar loss. It just might set you free.

A version of this post originally appeared at The Mighty in 2017.