I have struggled with loving myself for as long as I can remember.

As a teenager, I longed to be taller and curvier, prettier and more athletic.  When I finally hit a growth spurt towards the end of high school, I gained male attention and, in turn, a small boost in self confidence.

In college, I had more than enough male attention but desperately desired the attention of one particular boy who just wanted to be friends. (Those who know me really well know that that incredibly patient and forgiving boy is now my husband.)

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Comparing myself to others

Last month, I bought Sheila Wray Gregoire’s ebook, 31 Days to Great Sex* (sorry if this is TMI), after attending one of her “Girl Talk” events.  Tears filled my eyes when I read Day 3’s “Challenge for Him”:

Sure lots of women are more attractive than your wife.  But you are called to love your wife, not them.  And she needs you to find her beautiful. Desperately.

I did not realize, until that moment, how far my self image had fallen.  Being mommy had become my only source of self worth, the only place where I felt like I was actually doing a good job.

I didn’t feel strong or attractive or even healthy, anymore.  I felt vulnerable and depressed and awkwardly thin.  I found myself constantly comparing myself to others and feeling that I didn’t “measure up” physically or emotionally.

I was that terrified skinny girl in high school all over again.

Wanting to be a “daddy’s girl”

I think, deep down, every girl wants to a be a daddy’s girl.  We want to be loved and cherished by our fathers.  We desperately need their attention and encouragement and acceptance from a very young age.

Last week, I read the Unveiled Wife (Jennifer Smith)’s touching post, “For All The Daughters Who Wish Their Dad Loved Them,” about her relationship with her own father:

Issues like trust, withholding affection, and other circumstances in your relationships that trigger negative responses because of what you experienced as a child all come to the surface of the heart in the matter of seconds in marriage. If those things are not acknowledged, addressed, and worked out they will cripple intimacy in your most significant relationships. If you struggle to trust your dad, you most likely will struggle to trust your husband and even God.

Accepting the trustworthiness of God

I love John Mayer’s song, “Daughters,”* because it speaks to the very real power and consequences of godly fatherhood, or lack thereof:

On behalf of every man
Looking out for every girl
You are the god and the weight of her world

So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters, too

It’s so difficult to fathom the unconditional love of your Heavenly Father, when you grow up believing that love is earned by good behavior.  And it’s equally difficult to accept the trustworthiness of God when your earthly father does not demonstrate trustworthiness.

Through counseling and recent discussions with my husband, I’ve come to realize that my anxiety stems from a constant fear of disappointing everyone around me, but, more importantly, it comes from a fear of disappointing myself and my God.

Struggling with perfecting myself

I’ve written about my ongoing struggle with perfectionism before.

The truth is, perfectionism is a power struggle with God.  It’s a symptom of rejecting the powerful truth that God loves me no matter what I do or don’t do or even how well I do it.  Perfectionism is putting the weight of the world on my own shoulders instead of His.

A book my sister-in-law recently lent me, Boundaries by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend*, has opened my eyes to my role as a compliant, always struggling to say “no” to the requests of others–afraid to let others, myself and God down:

People who have an overstrict, critical conscience will condemn themselves for things God himself doesn’t condemn them for. …

When we give in to guilty feelings, we are complying with a harsh conscience. This fear of disobeying the harsh conscience translates into an inability to confront others—a saying yes to the bad—because it would cause more guilt.

… Compliants take on too many responsibilities and set too few boundaries, not by choice, but because they are afraid.

I’m slowly but surely learning the necessity of setting and maintaining healthy boundaries and of saying “no” to burdens that were never mine to carry.

Loving myself as a daughter of God

I’m learning to value myself as God values me, as His daughter created in His own image, as an important piece of His plan for His glory.  I’m learning to love myself unconditionally, against every perfectionist instinct in my body.

As David wrote in Psalm 139:14, I acknowledge that my Creator really did know what He was doing when He made me:

I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.

Jennifer Smith’s words of wisdom in her new book, The Unveiled Wife*, make me smile:

But you are a daddy’s girl and you always have been…you are God’s girl.

Loving myself as He loves me, I’m accepting and refreshing my God-given mind, body and soul on a daily basis.

I’m loving and embracing my sensitive and creative self through writing, praying, studying God’s Word, learning to sew, practicing yoga and Pilates, enjoying mood-boosting essential oils, cooking and gardening with my girls, eating less depression-fueling sugar and flour, and, most importantly, allowing myself to rest.

In case you, too, struggle to feel worthy and love your beautiful, imperfect self, I’ll leave you with these words, from my favorite book, John Steinbeck’s East of Eden, that have brought me great comfort in recent weeks:

And now that you don’t have to be perfect, you can be good.

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