Sometimes, Grief Feels A Lot Like Panic after Losing My Mother

Sometimes, grief feels a lot like panic.

While buying birthday cards at Walmart a few years ago, I caught sight of these floral Mom and Grandma cards.

I instinctively wanted to reach out and grab the teal card with the antique-style, delicate pink rose for my grandmother.

But a feeling of panic stopped me in my tracks, as I remembered that she is gone.

Sometimes, grief feels a lot like panic.

In that moment, I realized that I will never need to buy a “Mom” or “Grandma” birthday card in October ever again.

I am used to my mom being gone, since she died more then a decade ago. It has only been a few years since my grandma died.

My mother’s birthday is October 11, and her mother’s birthday is October 28.

October was once my maternal legacy celebration month.

Now, I am the matriarch of my family.

My mom and grandma are forever gone.

October has become a permanent reminder of that loss.

I tried to focus on breathing.

I tried to avoid going into full-blown panic attack mode in the middle of the greeting card aisle.

I waited until the little girl and her mom at the end of the aisle left before I took a photo.

And somehow, I managed to hold it together even though my chest was pounding and my heart was racing.

Instead of tears of sadness, I felt anxiety about being the one left here in charge.

I felt fear about the pressure of keeping my mom and grandma’s memories alive for my daughters.

Usually, grief feels like anger or denial or heartache.

But sometimes, grief feels a lot like panic.

A version of this post was originally published in October 2020.