Yesterday I was afraid to go out in public because I was so weepy and exhausted.

Scared of sisterhood

I don’t have sisters. My mom didn’t have sisters. My maternal grandmother didn’t have sisters.

Sisterhood scares the crap out of me.

Frankly, I’ve experienced more hostility with other women than friendship in my 31 years. Girls are mean, and the thought of being in a sorority makes me want to run for the hills.

As you can probably guess, having two little girls has been quite the adventure.

And then this launch team happened. My life and my view of sisterhood is forever changed. I still can’t think about it without crying.

As Jen Hatmaker would say, “It slays me.”

We humbled ourselves before one another, showed up with our real true selves, and got virtual (and eventually, actual) hugs instead of judgment.  We cheered one another on, and we legitimized one another’s gifts, in the same way that Jen cheered us on in her/our book baby, For the Love.

We sincerely VALUED one another, believing that God sincerely values each of us.  We didn’t compete with one another for rank or position or favor.

FTL takes Texas

This weekend, about 200 of us finally met in person, in my city, and I got to play tour guide.

It was so exciting but terrifying at the same time.  This people pleaser didn’t want to disappoint anyone.

This weekend, I was seen and known and loved by my sisters.  I was thanked profusely during and after the 4 days of festivities, just for loving to eat and for wanting to show new friends my hometown.

Reconciling two kingdoms

Now, I’m coming off an adrenaline rush, trying to reconcile the truths of this weekend with “real life” and my “real friends” and my “real family” going forward.

For a year after I was baptized in my family’s church of Christ, at age 14, I experienced severe depression, trying to reconcile living in the world with living for God. I felt extremely isolated and misunderstood in my confusion.

“Why are we wasting time doing human stuff here on Earth? Why aren’t we just serving God all the time?” I kept asking my mom. And no matter how she explained it, I just didn’t get it. I’m pretty sure if I was Catholic, I would have become a nun.

On Sunday morning, I sat at Austin New Church, three rows from where Jen Hatmaker stood on the stage, surrounded by my launch team sisters, ready to receive her message about Matthew 18.

Jen started her sermon by using an example of her daughter Remy failing to differentiate TV from “real life” to illustrate Jesus’ disciples failing to reconcile two kingdoms–the secular kingdom in which they lived and God’s perfect kingdom Jesus kept describing.

No matter how Jesus explained it, they just didn’t get it.

They wanted to compete with one another for rank and position and favor with God. They didn’t understand that they could live in the world but not be of the world, that they were valuable and precious to God just because they were His, not because of anything they did to earn His attention.

Tears streamed down my face, tears of a scared and confused 14-year-old finally validated and understood, 17 years later.

Of course, my understanding of God’s love and grace and faithfulness has evolved through my adulthood, but, in that moment, I felt seen and known and loved as that struggling teenager.

Living small

Jen talked about humility and pride and about living small.  She talked about protecting innocent and eager children, the most valuable members of God’s kingdom, but the least valuable members of the secular kingdom.  She talked about angels watching over the unseen who are abused.

I continued crying until the service ended.

This weekend, God did BIG things with a bunch of little, but obedient, people.

And now, I’m trying to reconcile two kingdoms again–the Church coming alive through this sisterhood and going on with “real life” in this big world that doesn’t know or value Jesus.

I want to cling to my new sisters for dear life but we cannot live in a bubble of comfort in our launch team tribe.

We can cheer each other on but we have to get in the trenches and do the real work. We have to fight for the small and the unseen everywhere.

Sisterhood is scary because it’s real and it’s raw and it’s vulnerable. But it’s so necessary. It affirms the stuff you need to celebrate, and it reveals the stuff that you need to throw away.

I’ve got a lot of pride and greed and impatience to shed before I can really live small in community.

I am broken. But I am grateful.

I am grateful for Jen for loving us well and trusting us with her book baby, and I am grateful for this ever expanding tribe of women who love Jesus and one another.

And I am grateful that Jesus continues to do BIG things through all of us little people.

LIVE For the Love book club

Please join me online for a 4-week For the Love book club, starting next Tuesday, Sept. 15 at 8 pm central.

My “neighbor”, Jen Hatmaker, will be hanging out with us LIVE, no doubt making us laugh and cry and say “Amen” to God’s goodness over and over again.

Can’t wait for His tribe to grow, friends!

Love,

Lauren