At the root of my daily struggle with anxiety, I am a perfectionist. I have a strong compulsion to make everything perfect, including myself.

In her new book that launches today, Looking for Lovely, the delightfully down-to-earth Annie F. Downs talks about the moment she began struggling with self image and decided that she needed to “fix Annie.” I’m guessing most women have a moment like that, the moment we decide that there’s something wrong with our appearance or our athletic ability or even our personality.

My whole life I’ve been called skinny, shy and sensitive. And like Annie, I’ve struggled with feelings of inadequacy for years.

Throughout high school, I was worried that I was too thin, too flat-chested, too serious, too responsible, too cautious. I spent most of my college years drinking and flirting a lot in an effort to prove that I wasn’t those things.

I only succeeded in losing myself and distancing myself from my Creator.

Looking for Lovely in the everyday

As I climbed my way back, Jesus met me daily in my fear of failure and in my depression and self loathing. Annie says, “God gives us permission to feel,” and reminds us over and over again not to quit when we’re in pain:

“When my heart is broken and I am weeping, when tragedy hits and I feel like the tears will never stop; when I feel like I’ve cried an ocean, the Bible says they are just seeds. Then the seeds are planted, covered in dirt, and persevere through the season of growth. Again there’s that perseverance. There’s that reminder not to give up. Because somehow I sow tears and reap joy. And the joy will be greater.”

Our “broken crazy”

I love how Annie writes about owning her “broken crazy” and looking for God’s perfect order (even in sushi rolls!) throughout the book:

“If I’m honest, Broke Lamp Manor is a great name for my house because it is kind of who I am, too. As much as I wish I could hide it, and as much as the rest of the house that is me can be cleaned up and a cute little place, you can’t even get into the driveway without seeing the brokenness.”

She reassures us that everyone is uniquely made with their own strengths and weaknesses for a purpose. I now know that my personality complements and counterbalances those who might be seen as too big, too bold, too impulsive, too carefree.

Courage and strength are funny things. Being brave does not mean that we lack fear and doubt and sadness but that we persevere in spite of those feelings. We own our pain and then we keep going, even when it seems impossible.

We keep looking for God’s goodness around every corner. We keep looking for light in the darkness. We keep trusting Him to show up.

Finding lovely

In Looking for Lovely, Annie finds lovely in Nashville’s music, in sunrise, in gardens, in trails, in manicures, sushi and Monet’s house. Me? I’m finding lovely in words and art, in tea, in quiet moments of rest, in Texas springtime, in new beginnings, in bluebonnets, new babies and birthdays. I’m finding lovely in my Creator and His creation.

Am I still struggling? Yes. (And Annie admits that she’s still struggling, too.)

But I’m finding lovely in the everyday because I’m finding Jesus in the everyday. I’m learning to embrace my imperfection because it illuminates His perfection.