Sometimes, Grief Feels A Lot Like Panic after Losing My Mother

Sometimes, grief feels a lot like panic.

While buying birthday cards at Walmart a few years ago, I caught sight of these floral Mom and Grandma cards.

I instinctively wanted to reach out and grab the teal card with the antique-style, delicate pink rose for my grandmother.

But a feeling of panic stopped me in my tracks, as I remembered that she is gone.

Sometimes, grief feels a lot like panic.

In that moment, I realized that I will never need to buy a “Mom” or “Grandma” birthday card in October ever again.

I am used to my mom being gone, since she died more then a decade ago. It has only been a few years since my grandma died.

My mother’s birthday is October 11, and her mother’s birthday is October 28.

This will be my mother’s twelfth birthday since she died and my grandmother’s fifth.

October was once my maternal legacy celebration month.

Now, I am the matriarch of my family.

My mom and grandma are forever gone.

October has become a permanent reminder of that loss.

I tried to focus on breathing.

I tried to avoid going into full-blown panic attack mode in the middle of the greeting card aisle.

I waited until the little girl and her mom at the end of the aisle left before I took a photo.

And somehow, I managed to hold it together even though my chest was pounding and my heart was racing.

Instead of tears of sadness, I felt anxiety about being the one left here in charge.

I felt fear about the pressure of keeping my mom and grandma’s memories alive for my daughters.

Usually, grief feels like anger or denial or heartache.

But sometimes, grief feels a lot like panic.

A version of this post was originally published in October 2020.